it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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