Soap is not a condiment
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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