dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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