They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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