Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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