Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
