I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
