Swine flu is the new snow day.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
