He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
it's like heaven, but drunker
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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