I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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