Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Randomize
