I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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