Your mouth is God's brothel.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
a search helicopter?!
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
