I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
