Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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