It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
