I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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