We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
