And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Randomize
