If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
