I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
