woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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