How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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