We won't sleep together?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
