a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sext me about skeletons
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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