I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
