Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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