last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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