What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
