Grow some girl-balls and come out already
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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