Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
