Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
