Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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