I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
