I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
