Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize