I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
