i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
