I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
