ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
