i may or may not be watching the land before time
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
