i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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