I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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