pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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