Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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