i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
