My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
