i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
