Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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