3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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