would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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