Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
