Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
