she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
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There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
