This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
