She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
