$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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