in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
