We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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