shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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