Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
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We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
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But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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