Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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