Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
